Grace under pressure?... Yeah, not so much...

I put the kids down for their afternoon naps, started a load of laundry and turned on an episode of Grey's Anatomy I hadn't yet watched. The clean laundry basket sat across me on the other couch and I promised myself I would fold it before the show ended. I just needed to sit for a few minutes and veg out. What mom can't understand that feeling? How about the simultaneous feeling of guilt for not utilizing every possible minute to be productive? Before I realized it, the show was over. There sat the laundry basket. And now my son, who never fell asleep for his nap, was crying. I walk towards his room when I hear my daughter start crying too, only 45 minutes into her nap. Great. First come first serve, so I go into his room first. To get there I have to pass the laundry/mud room. The water all over the floor indicated that the water from the load of laundry flooded. Yes, flooded. I threw a couple towels down and just kept going because, honestly, what can I do about it with 2 babies crying?! The whole time I'm rocking Evan I'm getting increasingly frustrated because I just keep thinking about all that water on the floor and certainly by now, soaking into the subfloor, which we just replaced last year due to the exact same issue. I'm sure I don't have to tell any mom how easily stressful situations quickly translate into bad parenting. I am no exception. My poor attitude led me to get frustrated with him for not sleeping and sternly telling him to do so. Like that's gonna work. I left his room to find Katelyn screaming her head off. I pull her out of bed, all mad and muttering my irritations out loud, and start to rock her. Thankfully, she fell right back to sleep. Finally, a break. I throw a few more towels on the floor and head over to that laundry pile with complete determination to get it done.

It's amazing how not  accomplishing a task you set out to do makes you feel so inadequate, lazy, and unproductive. It's equally amazing how those times are so telling about the inner condition of your heart. I'm actually finishing this post long after this incident because, well I'm sure I've been busy being a stay-at-home mom and all that comes with it. And at this point in time, I don't even remember what my point of this story was going to be. But, I re-read everything I wrote here and immediately felt the need to tell my past self that even though I don't always handle situations with complete grace, what I can do is have grace towards myself and those around me. Because, if God can have grace towards me for all that I don't do right, and I'm supposed to follow His lead in my life, then out of obedience I MUST have grace with myself. I will always try to do better. Always because my God, husband and children deserve that from me. But, I know that each time I fail is an opportunity to experience God's redemptive and cleansing power. And each time I succeed, is an opportunity to experience praise Him for making that success possible.

Here's to many successes, many failures and many chances to experience grace and it's redemptive power through each!

Creating a New Me (My Revolution)

I read other peoples blogs, I look at other people's lives and I feel so small. So unimportant. My passions are just as big as others. My heart aching just as much or convicted just as strongly. What separates us? Why are they the ones leading the life I was meant to? Why can't I seem to make these things happen in my life?

Who am I... rather who do I see myself as?
A wife. A mother. A Christ-follower. Introspective. Analytical. Passionate about many things. Active in few. A perfectionist imprisoned by brain's need to apply order and balance to everything, it's sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse. A quitter, sometimes before I even start if the task at hand seems too hard. Lazy. Very lazy at times. Selfish in nature. Have huge goals in my mission of motherhood or in servanthood of others but feel like I fall short every single day. I am not an overly fun or funny person, unless maybe you know me very well, though I greatly appreciate and seek that out in others. Not good with following through, not getting distracted with or completing my... he said what on Facebook?!?!... oh, oh yeah, goals. Huge, well thought out, purposeful goals in the form of multiple, incomplete, forgotten lists! You get the picture.

I could seriously go on about all the negatives and imperfections I see in myself. But, as I said, I have a need to balance everything and I absolutely claim a lot of positives about myself as well. I'm a very busy mom of 3 beautiful, precious souls entrusted to me and that trumps so many other things. Because I know that, I have a lot of grace towards myself in all these areas. I also do know that I am a woman of very strong faith. I am a servant through and through when I'm presented with a place to serve. I always try to obediently say yes when something is placed in front of me if I feel God's tug on my heart to do so. I seem to make a good accountability partner because I just don't have a lot of room for B.S. lol. I have a heart that aches so passionately for others that will almost certainly bring me to tears each time I'm confronted with something that pulls on my heartstrings. Namely, orphans, moms who can't provide even basics for their children like food, shelter, clothing, safety, etc., and homeless people. I'll cry, I mean ugly cry, each time I see one of these. So I'm a good person at heart, right?! I'm a good wife and mom in a ton of ways. I'm a daughter of the most-high King!

Who do I want to be?
I want to be someone who acts/serves without waiting for someone else to have to ask me to help. I want to take the passions that I have and serve them without fear for the ways they may impact my neat, non-messy life. I don't really care to "have an impact on the world". I just want to see people stop hurting, especially those God has given me a tender heart towards. I want to be more carefree and fun! More daring! I want to get off Facebook, off my unimportant daily emails, MSN or wherever else that grabs my attention daily and live my life! Check off my lists. Finish the projects or goals I set out to do from the small things like a decorating project to the big things like purposefully "training my children up in the way they should go". I want to homeschool my kids... yikes just the thought of it scares me so much! But, I want to. I want to adopt and/or have another baby... again yikes 4+ kids??? Am I crazy?! But I want to. I want to do all that while also spearheading missions/ministries focused on either supporting orphans or preventing the need for them to be orphaned by supporting their families, maintaining a clean, organized home, provided healthy meals for my kids, and finding a hobby like decorating crafts I've pinned on Pinterest! That's not all too much right? :O

Is who I am supposed to be and who I actually am on a daily basis the same? 
No, I most certainly am not living up to this ideal version of myself. I dream of who I could be. But it all seriously seems exhausting! Not sure I have the energy for all that, with 3 little ones at home including a newbe who still keeps me up at night! Definitely don't have the resources or time.

Who did God create me to be? 
I'm pretty sure God wants me to stop talking already about my faults and failures, throw my perfectionism out the door, and just start walking where he wants me to. Pretty sure he wants me to serve with blind abandon for all that could go wrong, all that it could take out of me or those around me, and just get down to the dirty work of living and serving and following him. Stop over-analyzing myself and my life and start living it. Stop waiting for someone to lead me and realize, He is that someone and I am capable of anything if He chooses it for me. Start seeing myself through His eyes. As His daughter. Powerful, effective, capable all because He is and I'm his. His partner. Partner in my life who wants me to succeed at everything we agree to do together as we intertwine our dreams and make them realities.

My Revolution
For some reason, God chose for our family, to move to AZ. He even brought a huge chunk of my family with us, maybe just to ensure we'd stick around instead of bailing at the first sign of trouble. Because, bail we would have after this awful year. Really, that's why I'm so contemplative about life right now, my upside down life. But we, my husband and I, both felt led here. Purposed to be here for something. Not really sure what that something is at this point but I'm sure ready to find out. It's time to start living the life we were given here. There are passions in my heart that I can't ignore. So, I'm praying that God will start sending me and us as a family ways to serve and put our faith into action and be an active example of servanthood to our kids. What better way for them to learn, right?! Since it's Christmas and almost New Year's time, I broke out my most favorite SheDaisy Christmas CD - Brand New Year. I love them! Their song "Brand New Year (My Revolution)" says a lot about what I'm feeling right now...

"Brand New Year (My Revolution)"

My revolution
Welcome to my revolution
My revolution, my revolution, my revolution, my revolution
My revolution
Yeah, yeah, yeah -

Learning to turn the outside inside out (inside outside inside out)
Having the courage to find what life is all about
Loving so purely can surely melt a frozen heart
Knowing sometimes all over's
The perfect place to start
[Chorus:]
Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me
The way we were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
To live, to love today
'Cause it's a brand new year

Seeing the world through rose-colored eyes
Yeah, this is my one big chance and I'm gonna take it twice
With the past down below, I know love lifted me up here
So I'll take a breath, kiss the sky, toll the bell
'Cause it's a brand new year
[Repeat Chorus]
[Bridge:]
Resiliently reclaiming me
Refining my recovery
Untwist my fate, unlock the gate
Let's make a little noise
'Cause it's a brand new year
Oh, welcome to my revolution
[Second Chorus:]
Welcome to my revolution, baby, yeah
Lucky you, lucky me
The way we were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
It's never been so clear
Second chance is what got me here
To live, to love today
'Cause it's a brand new year

Lucky you, lucky me
'Cause it's a brand new year
Oh, oh, lucky you, lucky me
'Cause it's a brand new year
Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me, yeah, yeah
Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me, yeah, yeah
Welcome to my revolution 

 

So, welcome to my revolution. I'm really hoping to start putting all these desires in me to action. Having grace with myself when I fall short. But, always trying. Not quitting. Serving my family and others daily, in big, powerful, effective and eternally lasting ways!

Free. A new way of life.

Where do I begin? My life looks completely different since the last time I bothered to write anything. These posts are really just for me anyway but I do wish I took more time to get these thoughts out. Right now we are living in Gilbert, AZ, a place where if you had asked me a year ago if I'd be living here I'd absolutely say no. Dave brought the possibility to my attention last October. I firmly believe that at the moment of that conversation the holy spirit instructed me not to negate this idea. So I listened as patiently as possible and even said if all the right things were in place I might consider it. And here we are. The way that God brought our family out here was undeniable to us and everyone around us. I actually have a 2+ page list in a notebook of all the ways God was moving in this situation. The list of cons I also wrote is only half a page long and most of those things have been resolved with time. I didn't even have to take this journey West alone. God also moved very powerfully in Matt & Amy's life and brought them out here. She landed in Phoenix just 4 days after the kids and I arrived. Just being near Amy is a complete answer to the last few years of prayers to bring us back together. It's still unclear if, when or how my parents will make it out here but I know God is working in their lives very powerfully too. And I'm looking forward to having my kids' grandparents around again, their 2 favorite people.

God did decide to bring another family member out here with us... a new little baking baby. It was actually comical to me really that in the midst of all the movement in our lives and the years of infertility we endured, that right now, this was the time He decided to send another child our way. The several months before this happened, we had thought we were ready to start trying again, not seriously mind you. When nothing ever came of it month after month, I figured the infertility issues were back and we had discussions about our limits of forcing another pregnancy. When talks of this move became serious, we stopped even the thought of getting pregnant with great conviction that now was definitely not the time. I picture God giggling and shaking His head at us like only a loving, patient father could do as He proved to us once again that who becomes a part of our family is 1bazillion percent in His control.

The amount of faithfulness that God has showed this family over these years knocks me back. I actually get mad at myself for so often forgetting all that He has done for us and all the ways he has never failed to lead us, part the seas in our way, provide for us and constantly showing us that His plans for us far, far exceed anything that we had in mind. So now, when I find myself questioning what our future holds, where we will be, when/if/how God will choose to add to our family, I am forced to rest in the peace that He already has it all planned out. Actually, I'm really happy with that answer right now. This move has moved more than just my physical body. It has changed the way I view change in my life. I have been stretched and grown. Really, I've been forced to believe the truth that He has a plan for my life and it is always better than what I had planned for myself. I'm riding this wave, something I'm not normally good at, and it feels so... free.

A goal worth keeping.

I am heavily in the throws of writing program manuals, policies and procedures for the Embrace Adoptions agency that I and so many others are working tirelessly to birth. I really do believe that God is moving us towards this goal of becoming an agency. But then huge questions come into play that completely rock my faith towards his ability or willingness to make this actually happen. Where will the money come from to pay our social workers and eventually our directors? Will we have a space to work out of and call our own or will we be tolerated guests somewhere? When we do get a license, will everyone step up and do the necessary work to make it succeed? I've got to be honest, I myself have fallen into a wrongful pattern of thinking that if I can just get us to the point of licensing, then I can take a break. A much needed break. But who am I kidding? The end of this phase means it is just the beginning of another. Another season of renewed commitment.

Am I ready for that? I never wanted to be a working mother. Sure, I asked God to give me something to do, a ministry to focus on so that I could still feel like a productive member of society and have an outlet for the types of work I enjoy doing, which really is exactly what he gave me. But, though I get to do this from home, I find myself telling my kids to wait just a bit longer so that I can get stuff done because deadlines and things are pressing down on me. I find that I can't quite keep up on my house or cook the way I should be. I stay up so late at night writing away without any time to rest or relax, continually telling myself it's not about me. My also overworked husband and I are sometimes leading different daily lives and hardly finding time to connect. We both feel our work is meaningful or necessary, mine for the lives of the children our agency will help, his for the extra and greatly needed income he is able to provide for our family. Most days we can manage it and just get through it but when so many long and frustratingly intense days happen in a row, it starts to wear down on me.

That's where I'm at right now. Compound that feeling with so many doubts that what you're doing is ever going to actually happen and make a difference because so many obstacles seem insurmountable. And then triple compound that with faith that's on it's very own unstable journey right now. I know God can do what he says he will. Sometimes I question whether he said this is the path we should be on or if we chose it for ourselves and left him in the dust somewhere back there. We've done that before and it didn't work out well. Still somewhere deeper inside and harder to find than my doubts, fears and frustrations are my hopes and faith that he indeed will carry out this plan of his (because it sure as heck wasn't my plan to come up with these huge organizational goals). These feelings have been at war within me the last couple of days.

What I do know and have to keep telling myself is that I know his truth will win. It always wins. So I will choose to listen to the quite leading I feel in my heart that says to keep moving and keep trusting. I will keep working tirelessly until I am told to rest. I will work harder to make the relationships in my family my first priority, ministry and mission. And I will hopefully find a little time for myself somewhere in there.

Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper and be satisfied.  Proverbs 13:4 (NLT)

They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed." But I prayed, "Now strengthen my hands." Nehemiah 6:9

A Season of Change

I am in a season of being challenged to change nearly every aspect of my life right now. Everything from my view of and relationship with God, to parenting, to marriage, to cleaning & organizing, to controlling my thoughts and emotions, to eating, to exercising (insert half-serious chuckle here), to Imago Dei, to pretty much anything else I look at and see the need for change.

I must say, I asked for it. I literally asked God to show me, in perfect clarity, areas in my life that needed to be changed and give me the willingness, energy and ability to change them to align more properly with His vision and version of me. And sure enough, He did. I am not the servant, wife, mother, leader I want to be. So I am existing in a time where I have more questions than answers, and everything I once knew to be true is being challenged. It's a confusing but strangely exciting place to be. I am resting in a season of unrest. I am ready for God to transform me.

I wish I could focus all of my attention on everything at once. The previous, un-enlightened version of myself would have tried. Then given up. Then felt like a failure. Instead, I will only choose to tackle one thing at a time. This means focusing my time on researching ways to improve my current area of focus, praying specifically about it, fasting from or completely eliminating things that prohibit me from making progress (can someone say facebooking all day or watching needless tv?!), and trying to document my thoughts and progress along the way. I am sure I will still make small strides towards improving the other areas I also need to change. Fully neglecting these other areas would almost surely negate the intent of my original quest. But it's time for me to pick my first desired destination and start putting one foot in front of the other so I can get there. Lord, be with me!

Lifetime Goals

Ever since I turned 30 earlier this year, I have been thinking a lot about my life, future and where my dreams and goals fit into them. I know that 30 is not "old", however I did kind of feel this sense of pressure to get going on accomplishing some of my goals. That got me thinking. What exactly are my goals??? When I am at the end of my life, what are the things that I want to be able to say I did? So I started making a list. Here it goes:

- Mission trips (I would love to go to Africa for one)
- Help build a house with Habitat for Humanity
- Work at an orphanage somewhere (probably in another country)
- Adopt a child
- Record a song
- Start something big from the ground up and see it through to fruition (Imago Dei Adoptions is in the works!)
- Write a book on the Journey of Infertility
- Be a successful wife and mother (in progress!)
- Be the kind of person God wants to spend eternity with

Big goals, I know. But "with God, all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26.

Evan David

22 Months Old:
- Counts to 10 all on his own, recognizes the numbers when he sees them and counts out objects.
- Knows his shapes: circle, square, rectangle, triangle, star, heart, oval, diamond, pentagon, crescent, cube, pyramid, cone.
- Knows all the colors.
- Sings every word of the following songs: Blue Skies and Rainbows, Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABC's, Old McDonald, and a couple other random songs we sing throughout the day. We randomly omit words as we sing them with him and he is always able to fill in the blank.
- He is trying to learn how to jump, which is a pretty cute sight to see.
- He loves to read, build towers out of blocks, play with his puzzles, color in his coloring books, brush his teeth for several minutes on end. His favorite new toys right now are the etchasketch, remote control car and his daddy's remote control helicopter. He says night-night to the heli-co-copt-teter every night. :)