A goal worth keeping.

I am heavily in the throws of writing program manuals, policies and procedures for the Embrace Adoptions agency that I and so many others are working tirelessly to birth. I really do believe that God is moving us towards this goal of becoming an agency. But then huge questions come into play that completely rock my faith towards his ability or willingness to make this actually happen. Where will the money come from to pay our social workers and eventually our directors? Will we have a space to work out of and call our own or will we be tolerated guests somewhere? When we do get a license, will everyone step up and do the necessary work to make it succeed? I've got to be honest, I myself have fallen into a wrongful pattern of thinking that if I can just get us to the point of licensing, then I can take a break. A much needed break. But who am I kidding? The end of this phase means it is just the beginning of another. Another season of renewed commitment.

Am I ready for that? I never wanted to be a working mother. Sure, I asked God to give me something to do, a ministry to focus on so that I could still feel like a productive member of society and have an outlet for the types of work I enjoy doing, which really is exactly what he gave me. But, though I get to do this from home, I find myself telling my kids to wait just a bit longer so that I can get stuff done because deadlines and things are pressing down on me. I find that I can't quite keep up on my house or cook the way I should be. I stay up so late at night writing away without any time to rest or relax, continually telling myself it's not about me. My also overworked husband and I are sometimes leading different daily lives and hardly finding time to connect. We both feel our work is meaningful or necessary, mine for the lives of the children our agency will help, his for the extra and greatly needed income he is able to provide for our family. Most days we can manage it and just get through it but when so many long and frustratingly intense days happen in a row, it starts to wear down on me.

That's where I'm at right now. Compound that feeling with so many doubts that what you're doing is ever going to actually happen and make a difference because so many obstacles seem insurmountable. And then triple compound that with faith that's on it's very own unstable journey right now. I know God can do what he says he will. Sometimes I question whether he said this is the path we should be on or if we chose it for ourselves and left him in the dust somewhere back there. We've done that before and it didn't work out well. Still somewhere deeper inside and harder to find than my doubts, fears and frustrations are my hopes and faith that he indeed will carry out this plan of his (because it sure as heck wasn't my plan to come up with these huge organizational goals). These feelings have been at war within me the last couple of days.

What I do know and have to keep telling myself is that I know his truth will win. It always wins. So I will choose to listen to the quite leading I feel in my heart that says to keep moving and keep trusting. I will keep working tirelessly until I am told to rest. I will work harder to make the relationships in my family my first priority, ministry and mission. And I will hopefully find a little time for myself somewhere in there.

Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper and be satisfied.  Proverbs 13:4 (NLT)

They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed." But I prayed, "Now strengthen my hands." Nehemiah 6:9

A Season of Change

I am in a season of being challenged to change nearly every aspect of my life right now. Everything from my view of and relationship with God, to parenting, to marriage, to cleaning & organizing, to controlling my thoughts and emotions, to eating, to exercising (insert half-serious chuckle here), to Imago Dei, to pretty much anything else I look at and see the need for change.

I must say, I asked for it. I literally asked God to show me, in perfect clarity, areas in my life that needed to be changed and give me the willingness, energy and ability to change them to align more properly with His vision and version of me. And sure enough, He did. I am not the servant, wife, mother, leader I want to be. So I am existing in a time where I have more questions than answers, and everything I once knew to be true is being challenged. It's a confusing but strangely exciting place to be. I am resting in a season of unrest. I am ready for God to transform me.

I wish I could focus all of my attention on everything at once. The previous, un-enlightened version of myself would have tried. Then given up. Then felt like a failure. Instead, I will only choose to tackle one thing at a time. This means focusing my time on researching ways to improve my current area of focus, praying specifically about it, fasting from or completely eliminating things that prohibit me from making progress (can someone say facebooking all day or watching needless tv?!), and trying to document my thoughts and progress along the way. I am sure I will still make small strides towards improving the other areas I also need to change. Fully neglecting these other areas would almost surely negate the intent of my original quest. But it's time for me to pick my first desired destination and start putting one foot in front of the other so I can get there. Lord, be with me!